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With love for my Mommas in this Madness…

It is almost 11 pm, my eyes are bloodshot and my feet feel like they have a heartbeat, but I just realized I would be a great, big, huge hypocrite if I didn’t give some love to my Mamacitas.

My husband took the kids to his Mom’s this morning, allowing me to (gasp) sleep in, which was H-E-A-V-E-N. My ds stubbornly refuses to sleep in his crib, so most nights he is up 5-8 times (this is a toddler, mind you, not a newborn) fighting with me to sleep in the crook of my arm. I would love for someone to hold me all night while I slumbered. Stinker.

I was enjoying this little “me” time with a cup of coffee and a paper¬† until a realization struck me. Damn. I’m bored, and miss the kids.

How is it that we Mothers are so desperate for time on our own but so miserable when we finally get it?

After the kids came home delighted and dirty (Grandma rocks) and took their naps, I was now on deck (Daddy had to go to sleep for night-turn). I decided to take them out to Marshall’s to a) get them out on this beautiful day and b) buy myself something guilt-free (“Honey, I know we are tight, but it is Mother’s Day..).

It couldn’t have gone worse. My dd (age 3) decided that she wanted to go in the stroller, and my 20 month old decided he wanted to push it..this happening, however, while I was carrying him…and yes, I keep my Chiropractor in business. We then proceeded into the store while each child took turns dashing off, giggling wildly, while barely missing getting their eye gauged out by the corners of the display furniture. I was covered in flop sweat in about 4 minutes. I got looks of pity and annoyance from onlookers and realized that I had become that Mother. I couldn’t wait to get home.

Well, Mom’s guilt prevailed and I took the kids to a park we had never been to. A great place, although quite covered in litter (a pet peeve of mine) and surly teenagers. The kids had a ball, I continued to get hotter, dirtier, and desperate for home. When we had to leave, my dd had the biggest tantrum I had ever seen, screaming “HELP, HELP” at the top of her lungs, causing the neighbors to run out to their front porch to see what the ruckus was.It didn’t feel like Mother’s Day, to be perfectly honest.

If any of you are reading this who has an Autistic child, you will understand the days when you just want to burst into tears, partially out of frustration and partially because you feel so unarmed and helpless about how to handle situations. We are less than a year of our dd’s diagnosis, and I still feel I am learning about Autism and what it means to have a child on the Spectrum. To tell you the truth, most days are mixed with my celebrating her autism (she has an incredible mind) and praying to God that I am given the insight into how to parent a child with her special needs. Today I feel like I failed. To add to things, my rambunctious ds is developmentally delayed, and his only means of communication is moaning, whining and wailing. Also, the kid can practically outrun me. BOTH of my kids have no fear, and will jump off anything at any height. Most are amazed I don’t drink heavily.

Before I sound like I don’t absolutely adore my little ones, I wanted to share that despite the aforementioned challenges, it dawns on me daily that this is the best and my most favorite time of their lives. How do I know this? Because I also have a son (from a previous marriage) in college, and I know how it all goes by so quickly. Don’t get me wrong, every childhood age and stage is special, but I often found myself at his Pee-Wee hockey games longing for his babyhood; the times when I could protect him from any hurt, twist his little blond curls in my finger, and watch while he nursed, snuggled in my arms, and completely at peace. I used to think that I would give anything just for one day, one moment even, of those times that seemed so long before.

So now, I have that gift… the gift of knowing how fleeting it is,the gift of realization that time goes by with a blink of an eye, the turn of a page..the gift that I am able to do this all over again, and this time not be waiting until the kids get older to finally get a “break”.

This is what I remind myself every day, as I did today when I took a moment to smell my ds’s hair, and cradle my ds in comfort to help her calm herself down. “Hug, please, Momma?” she asked at the end of the day, just as I was ready to burst into tears. I looked into her adoring eyes and yet again reminded myself that soon the opposite will be true, and she will be wanting to run from, not to me.I hugged her with all my might, and tried to memorize the feeling, knowing it all won’t last long.

So that is my Mother’s Day gift to you, my Mamacitas…me passing along the gift that was given to me by having two generation of children. Our Mothers were right; enjoy it now, it goes by so fast…like the blink of an eye. It is too true.

Thanks for listening, Mommas.I have to go, the baby just woke up..and maybe, just maybe, I will have him sleep in my arms tonight.:)

With love for my Mommas,

Suzy

 

 

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  1. Maddie Kertay, May 9, 2011
    May all mamas know that in the depths of worst parts of mothering you will be lifted up by equal and revese amounts of joy at the oddest moments. Maddie Reply
    • Suzy, May 16, 2011
      I LOVE that Maddie, thank you! :) Reply

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