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When Desire Dies: Bring Your Sex Life Back to Life (Part 2)

Finding Your Sex Drive Again

I have divided this article into three sections; it was written by Colette Bouchez of Red Dress Diary. Follow Colette on Twitter (@ColetteBouchez)

So how do you coax your sex drive out of hiding?

Couples SmilingFor women who need a little encouragement that intimacy is still within their grasp, Dr.Sadock recommends giving fantasy a try.

“Put your partner out of your mind and focus strictly on sex,” says Sadock. Imagine, if you will, having the most wonderful, delicious, glorious romp with anyone you desire — a movie star, an old flame, a mysterious stranger — and then see how you feel.

“Even if you don’t get overwhelmingly excited, if you can at least feel a sense of openness about sexual excitement, then there is little doubt that your desire is still intact,” says Sadock.

Ramp Up Low Sex Drive by Resolving Issues

“Many women are scared to even consider their relationship as the cause of their desire issues because they are afraid it means the marriage is over, but this is not usually the case,” says Sadock.

Indeed, she says, most often it’s not the catastrophic divorce-level problems that are standing in the way, but rather a compilation of small but very “fixable” issues that have just piled up over time.

“If you feel neglected, or taken for granted, if you’re angry because he spends more free time with his brothers than with you, if you think that the only time he’s nice to you is when he wants sex, these are often the kind of thoughts that eat away at a woman’s sexual desire,” says Sadock.

sad woman in bedAmaru agrees and adds, “When I finally get patients to open up about what is bothering them, I often find they are simply overloaded in their life — too much work, too many responsibilities, too much on their shoulders, with too little help and acknowledgement from their partners.”

If, in fact, you can identify feelings of resentment or even anger, the next step is to talk to your partner — but not in an accusatory way.

Experts say avoid phrases like “You make me feel lousy” or “You turn me off when you … .” Instead, start by assuring your partner that you find him attractive and let him know this is about rekindling the great sex life you once had together.

“Few men can resist the opportunity to rev up their partner’s sex drive,” says Sadock.

Now that you’ve got his attention, let him know how much his affections matter to you and how sexy you feel when he tells you’re pretty or shows his appreciation for the little things you do.

“Let him know that you need to feel he cares for and appreciates you all the time — not just when he wants sex,” says Sadock.

Also important: Spend time together alone away from the kids, the phone, the computer, the TV, even for just 20 minutes a day. The goal, says Sadock, is to relate to each other as man and woman — not just mommy and daddy, or even husband couple at lunchand wife.

One of the sexiest things you can do, she says, is make a date for lunch. “It’s an interruption of the business day, and it takes real effort to put other things aside even if you’re just going for a pizza, it can be a powerful turn on for the both of you.”


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